


The Secrets We Keep

by LucindaAM



Series: A Day in the Life [22]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Heavy on the angst, Hold the fluff, Light Swearing, Multi, No Smut, STEVE FINDS OUT, Well there'll be a little fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27773227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaAM/pseuds/LucindaAM
Summary: Deadpool returns and spills more of the beans than you were bargaining for.Steve had to find out eventually.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Series: A Day in the Life [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946242
Comments: 107
Kudos: 78





	1. Wake Up Call

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go.

Steve flinched as the phone under his pillow started vibrating. He quickly pulled it out from under his head and glanced over at you and Bucky to make sure it hadn’t woken you up. You grumbled something in your sleep and shifted closer to Bucky. Bucky smiled in his sleep and wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you flush against his chest. 

Steve smiled at the sight before he snuck out of bed and into the hallway. “Hello?” He answered. 

“Ah, Capscicle. I knew you’d pick up.” 

Steve ran a hand down his face. “The phone’s nearby in case of EMERGENCIES Stark. What do you want?” 

“Well, CAP. This IS an emergency so get your spangly ass down here.” 

Tony hung up and left Steve staring frustratedly at his phone. “I’m going to kill him.” He murmured, heading towards the front day. “One of these days I'm actually going to kill him.” 

Steve walked into the lab and glanced around. “Alright, Stark, what’s the . . .” He trailed off. “Shit.” 

An all too familiar red mask spun around. Deadpool flung his hands up on either side of his face and let out an over-dramatic gasp. “The pride of the nation. Someone should wash your mouth out with soap.” 

Steve ran a tired hand down his face. “Deadpool.” He faked a smile. “What are you doing here?” He asked through gritted teeth. 

“Well . . .” Deadpool started, skipping towards Steve. “I got the high score on ‘Dire-Wraith the Live Action Video Game’ and I remembered that fancy little doo-dad your boy toy gave me before the three of you skedaddled and POOF now, I’m here.” Deadpool flung an arm around Steves shoulders and leaned his head against his. “Real dreamy place you’ve got here. Don’t suppose there’s room for one more in that little triad you have going for you?” 

Tony cackled in the corner where he was watching the train-wreck play out. Steve shot him a murderous glare. 

“Not interested, Deadpool. And you can’t stay here.” 

“Awww, spangly-poo! You’ve just GOTS to let me stay. You’ve GOTS to.” 

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t ‘gots’ to do anything. And you really can’t stay.” 

“Aww. Come on, Cap’.” Tony pleaded, completely ignoring the fact that he’d specifically called Steve down here to kick Deadpool out on his ass in the first place. “You ‘gots’ to.” 

Deadpool turned and batted his eyes at Steve. “I’ll be your best friend.” He pleaded, sweetening the deal. 

Steve threw his head back and counted to ten. 

It was too early for this shit. 

“You can’t stay, Deadpool. Sorry.” 

“Give me one good reason.” 

Steve floundered and scrambled to recall the information he’d searched up after he’d returned with you from your dead world. “Because Dopinder called.” 

Deadpool’s head whipped towards him. “My precious baby boo?” 

Steve nodded, doing his best to keep what little poker face he was capable of making in place. “He was . . . mugged . . . and needs help.” 

“Why didn’t you SAY something?! I’m coming, my dumpling!!!” 

Deadpool spun on his heel and raced through the lab, towards a window. At the last possible second, he spun on his heel and glanced at Steve. “WAIT! Where’s my lovely sugar buns? I should say goodbye.” 

“Your . . . sugar buns?” Steve asked, quirking an eyebrow. 

Deadpool nodded seriously. “You know my partner in crime? My slippery vixen? The Guinevere to my Lancelot?” 

Steve’s eyes narrowed and he shook his head in confusion. 

Deadpool sighed. “You know, your baby mama?” 

“Baby. Mama?” Steve asked. He understood the words separately . . . but together? 

Tony shook his head and sighed in exasperation. “It’s a phrase. Means mother of your children. Clearly, he’s not using it right. Hey, Pool. The fossil over there doesn't have any kids and if he did, at this rate, they’d just be grandkids.” 

Deadpool’s head whipped comically between the two men before he shrugged. “DOPINDER!” He called. 

He grabbed a grenade off the table and tossed it at the window, blowing a sizeable hole through the entire wall. Then he ran for the hole and threw himself out of it, disappearing into the night. 

“What a nutjob.” Tony murmured, glancing around at the destruction. 

Steve picked himself up off the ground and dusted his hands off as he stared out the hole Deadpool had just disappeared through. He swallowed hard. 

“Yeah. A nutjob.”


	2. A Bad Feeling

Steve walked back to the apartment in a daze. The phrase ‘Baby Mama’ on repeat in his head. He couldn’t decide what he was feeling. 

He opened the door and snuck back inside. He glanced around the living room where you and he had spent so many years laughing together. He could almost picture tiny little feet pounding around the same space, with bright eyes and eager smiles to match. 

Steve wove his way through the furniture and headed down the hallway where he could hear two heartbeats waiting. If he listened closely, he could almost hear two more tiny heartbeats with tiny laughs after late-night stories. 

He opened the door to the bedroom and saw you still curled in Bucky’s arms. 

He hadn’t spent much time thinking about family after he’d gotten out of the ice but . . . what if . . . 

He slid into bed and smiled softly as you seemed to sense it. You turned in Bucky’s arms until you were lying your back. Your face turned to Steve and your brow furrowed as you reached your arm out until it latched onto his shirt. Steve chuckled as he reached over and slid his hand against the side of your face, brushing under your eyes gently with his thumb until your expression eased. 

His smile faded off his face as his hand slipped down until it rubbed at your stomach. He traced gentle circles on it while he stared at the family he hadn’t been expecting to find. 

Hope for the future filled him as his eyes drifted closed. 

Maybe, eventually, this little family of his could be even bigger than it already was. 

That night, he dreamed of quiet moments and picket fences. 

“You’re not going to say goodbye?” Your quiet whispers woke Steve the next morning. 

Bucky sighed. “Let the punk sleep. He got back to bed late; he probably needs the shut eye.” 

“The punk can hear you.” Steve grumbled, opening his eyes to see you and Bucky standing in the middle of the room. “And he doesn’t need as much sleep as he used to.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes. 

You grinned, though it didn’t quite reach your eyes. “Right, Buck. Didn’t you forget? Stevie’s practically IMMORTAL now. Fatigue and exhaustion beware. He’s immune to your charms.” 

Bucky grinned at Steve’s expense. 

Steve glanced at him and then sat up in bed. “You going somewhere Buck?” 

Bucky glanced down and shifted his grip on the bag he held in his hands. “Mission.” He grunted out. 

Steve swallowed hard as it felt like someone had completely sucked all the joy out of the room. “Oh? I didn’t know there was anything on the docket.” 

“It was unexpected.” 

You bit your lip and glanced at Bucky worriedly. Steve caught your expression and turned his narrowed eyes on Bucky. “Need any backup?” 

“No.” The word was sharp and felt like a dagger to both you and Steve. You flinched. 

Bucky cleared his throat and tried again. “I mean, no thanks. I have it covered.” 

“Please be safe.” You murmured, tears welling up in your eyes. 

Bucky took one look at your expression and shook his head. “No, no. Hey, doll. No, none of that.” He dropped his bag on the bed and moved to wrap you in his arms but hesitated. The tears were streaming more freely down your face and Bucky glanced at Steve desperately. 

Steve was on his feet in the next second, wrapping you in his arms. He glanced at Bucky in confusion over your head, but Bucky shook his head quickly and reached out to grab his bag. “I’ll be back.” 

“Don’t do anything stu . . .” Steve started, but Bucky was already gone. 

A bad feeling washed through Steve and he pulled away from you long enough to wipe the tears from your cheeks. “What’s going on, sweetheart? Talk to me.” He asked. 

You plastered a grin to your face and shook your head. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m being so emotional. Probably just PMS.” 

Steve’s eyebrows furrowed as you backed away and gestured to the kitchen with your thumb. “I’m just going to . . . yeah.” 

You blinked out of the room, leaving Steve with another bad feeling. 

He wandered into the kitchen and saw you sitting at the table, staring off into the distance with a heartbreaking look on your face. Steve grit his teeth together and decided he needed answers. 

He walked out of the apartment. 

“Nat.” Steve said, glancing at the spy as she did a round of training exercises. 

“You here to spar, Rogers, or just twiddle your thumbs?” 

Steve sighed. “I’m here for answers.” 

Nat smirked. “What makes you think I have them?” 

Steve shot her an unamused glare. 

Nat smirked. “Fine. What makes you think I’d give them to you?” 

“Nat.” Steve warned. 

Nat sighed and shifted out of position. She moved to the wall and took a swig of water before she leaned against the wall. “What do you need to know?” 

“Buck left on a mission today.” Steve watched her carefully, looking for any tells. 

Nat’s face was entirely blank as she nodded. “I’d heard that. You didn’t feel like going with him?” 

Steve’s eyes narrowed. “He said he didn’t need backup.” 

Nat nodded thoughtfully as she bent down to gather up her gear. “Well, he is a trained assassin. Don’t tell him I said this, but he could probably still take me down.” 

“You know something.” 

Nat straightened and threw the strap of her bag over her shoulder. “You think so, huh?” 

“Please, Romanov. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of things. Bucky and Y/N. They’re acting strange . . .” Steve trailed off as something flashed in Nat’s eyes. 

Nat glanced around before she grabbed Steve’s arm and dragged him to a more secluded part of the gym. 

“You know something.” Steve hissed. 

“Look, Rogers. If you don’t know what’s going on, I can’t help you. But . . .” Nat trailed off and sighed. “. . . As your friend; more importantly, as HER friend . . . you need to be there for her today.” 

Steve shook his head in confusion. “I don’t understand. What’s today?” 

“Just promise me you won’t leave her alone.” There was a desperation in Nat’s voice and in her eyes that made Steve pause. 

“I promise.” 

Nat nodded before she turned to leave the gym. “Go, Rogers.” She called over her shoulder. “She needs you.” 

Steve followed her out of the gym and headed back to your floor. He racked his brain trying to understand why today of all days was so important. Nothing came to mind. 

He was still racking his brain as he opened the door to the apartment, just in time to watch you head out. You’d pulled your hair back, away from your face and you were wearing a dark dress. You were just pulling on a black trench coat. 

“Sweetheart?” Steve asked. 

You smiled, but didn’t make eye contact. “Sorry, baby. I’m just running a few . . . errands.” 

Steve’s hand clenched around the doorknob as the bad feeling from earlier came flooding through him. Something was wrong. 

Something was very, very wrong. 

“Do . . .” He licked his lips and tried again. “Do you need company?” 

You shook your head quickly. “No. No. It’s . . . feminine stuff. You know how it is. I’ll be quick. We can maybe spend the day in? Have a movie night?” 

You were lying to him. You . . . you never lied to him. “Uh . . . sure. Sweetheart. Sounds good. Whatever you’d like.” 

You nodded to yourself and then scrambled out of the door, shutting it behind you. 

Steve waited until he heard the ding of the elevator and then he slipped out of the apartment and followed you. 

A sinking suspicion was curling in his gut. He could only pray it wasn’t true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One guess where she's headed.


	3. The Future Written in Stone

You moved through the familiar maze of headstones, a bouquet of flowers in your hand as you came closer and closer to the headstone you knew better than the back of your own hand. 

It had been a year to the day since you’d lost your baby. 

You knew that’s why Bucky had fled earlier. You knew he didn’t want to be around you today. Tears slipped down your face. 

It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know that you needed him more than ever today of all days. 

You came to a stop in front of the tiny gravestone and let out the shuddering cry you hadn’t realized you’d been holding back. 

You squatted down, and laid the flowers on the tombstone carefully before you reached out a hand to trace the familiar letters. 

‘Baby Rogers-Barnes. Child of mine, though never to meet; gone far too son, your memory I keep.’ 

Another sob ripped through you, and you bent your head before a voice you’d never wanted to hear in this godforsaken place sounded behind you. “Sweetheart?” 

You pushed to your feet in one swift motion as a choked gasp was ripped from you. You stumbled backwards, instinctively trying to hide the stone from his prying eyes, but it was too late. 

Steve glanced from you to the stone and back again. 

Your eyes were squeezed shut, your hands clenched in front of you as your greatest secret was laid bare. 

Steve’s eyes traced the words on the tomb and a horrified breath of air escaped his lips as the realization sunk in. 

You’d been pregnant. With a child neither of you would ever meet. 

More tears slipped down your face. 

“Sweetheart?” Steve choked out again, stepping closer to you. 

You shook your head, a sob escaping your lips. 

“When did . . .” It was like a lightbulb went off over Steve’s head. The mission. The one where Bucky had been triggered for the first time since Steve had brought him home. You’d been so different after that. So . . . broken . . . 

“Bucky?” He choked out in horror. 

Your eyes flew open and you lunged at him. You grabbed his hand and squeezed it painfully. “You can’t ever tell him.” You begged, desperately searching his face. “Stevie. He can’t EVER know.” 

Steve shook his head and pulled his hand out of your grasp as he turned and started running a hand through his hair. “I . . . I can’t keep THIS . . .” Steve gestured at the tiny headstone. His eyes watered as he read the description. “We were going to be a family.” He cried. 

“We already ARE a family, Stevie. You me and Buck.” You stepped towards him and leaned your head on his shoulder. You wrapped one arm around his waist and reached over with your free hand to grab his. “We don’t need anyone else to be happy.” 

Steve stared at the stone in front of him unseeingly. Tears welled in Steve’s eyes and he swallowed hard. “Why . . . why didn’t you say anything?” He begged silently. “Why didn’t . . . hell.” He took a deep breath. “You couldn’t tell Bucky. I get it.” He said quietly. “But me? Why didn’t you tell me, sweetheart? Why didn’t you . . . why didn’t you let me help you carry this?” 

You shook your head against his chest, the tears still streaming down your face. “Some burdens aren’t meant to be shared, Stevie.” You murmured. 

Steve shook his head and stepped away from you. You looked at him in shock. “No.” He said. 

“No?” You wiped at your eyes. 

Steve shook his head. “This . . .” He pointed at the tombstone. “This is a burden that is ALWAYS meant to be shared. I . . . How could you not tell me?” 

Tears streamed down your face faster and faster as you felt Steve put an emotional wall between the two of you, suffocating the connection you shared with him. Your shoulders shook with the effort it took to keep yourself from seeking the comfort in his arms you knew you didn’t deserve. “How could I tell you, huh?” You asked, your voice hardly more than a whisper. “How could I tell you that it was my fault that you were never going to meet your child? That it was my fault that you never will?” 

Steve watched you with an emotionless expression on his face. The anger and bitterness he felt welling up in his soul all he could feel in the wake of the pain you would never fully heal from. 

“What do you mean?” He asked all too calmly. 

You shook your head, your tearstained eyes seeking out the tomb of your greatest joy and your deepest sorrow. You traced a single finger over the cold marble. “I didn’t just lose the baby, Steve.” You murmured. “I lost my ability to have them. I’ll never be a mother. You . . . you and Bucky will never be fathers. Not if you stay with me.” 

Steve shook his head as all the hopes and dreams he’d spent the past twelve hours building were shattered before his eyes with a single epitaph. 

He bit back the tears welling in his own eyes and wrapped an arm around your shoulders as you sobbed against his chest. 

This changed everything. 

How could it not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it's any consolation, I made myself cry.


	4. Steve in Mourning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. 😬

You kept your eyes downcast as you entered the apartment and hung up your coat. You weren’t sure what you were going to find. 

Steve had held you for a while at the cemetery, but even you could tell that his heart wasn’t in it. You’d felt it in your soul as he’d reached for the connection that the two of you shared and snapped it in two. Then, he’d turned around and walked away, leaving you, alone, at the grave of the baby you’d never meet. 

You put on a brave face, and clung to the fractured remains of the connection you still shared as you took a deep breath and raised your head. Steve was sitting on the sofa, staring at the blank TV screen. 

“Stevie?” You asked softly, taking a step forward. “Can we talk? Please?” 

“You sure you want to?” Steve’s voice was hardly more than a whisper but it pierced you all the same. 

You flinched. “Steve . . .” 

Steve shook his head and pushed to his feet before he rounded on you. “You know this morning I woke up and all I could think about was how much I wanted a family with you. And now?” He scoffed and threw his hands up in the air. “Now I find out that’s never going to happen. Were you EVER going to tell me?” 

Fresh tears streamed down your face as you slowly shook your head. 

Tears welled in Steve’s eyes too as he took a step back from you and shook his head. “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” 

Your heart shattered. 

Your breath was knocked out of your body at the force of his words and you struggled to hold your form steady. In your desperation, you grappled for your connection to Bucky and clung to it with everything you had. 

Thousands of miles away, Bucky grunted. His gun clattered to the ground as his hands shot to his heart. “Doll.” He breathed. 

You gasped for air but you couldn’t seem to fill your lungs enough to breathe. You shook your head violently and blinked out of existence. You just needed to get away. You just needed . . . you needed . . . a safe place. 

You popped back into existence and found yourself in the middle of Clint’s room in the tower. You collapsed to your knees and curled in on yourself as you clawed at your chest and at the physical pain you felt there. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” You called out into thin air. 

Your cries turned into hiccups as you cried yourself to the point of exhaustion. Slowly, the pain seemed to fade from your mind and your hands slipped away from your chest and fell against the carpet as your eyes slipped closed. 

Your last conscious thought was to be grateful that, for a little while at least, you wouldn’t feel anything at all. 

Bucky burst into the apartment. His eyes were wild as he called your name. 

“She’s not here.” Steve said, robotically. 

Bucky’s eyes swung to Steve who was slumped against the couch, staring at the dark screen. 

“Where is she then? I . . . I felt something . . .” Bucky rubbed at his chest as panic clouded his mind. 

Steve glanced over at Bucky and then at the TV again. He could hardly stand to look at his best friend as memories of the cemetery flooded his mind. Another wave of soul-crushing pain wracked Steve’s heart and he hardened it against the pain he was feeling. 

He shrugged. “We had a fight. She left.” 

Bucky went very, very still. His voice grew calm, and his breathing evened out as his entire focus zeroed in on Steve. “What. Happened?” 

Steve shrugged a shoulder lazily. “I told you. We had a fight. She left.” 

“And you didn’t feel what happened after?” 

Steve shook his head, keeping his eyes glued to a black screen. 

In the next second, Bucky was hovering over him threatening. “You bastard.” 

Steve’s ire filled him and he pushed to his feet and spun on Bucky. “You don’t have the first clue what the hell is happening here.” 

“And you do?!” Bucky yelled. “If you’re such a genius, tell me? Where the hell is she right now?!” 

Steve scoffed and reached inside himself for the connection that you shared. His expression slackened as he found . . . nothing. 

Steve’s hands reached up to grasp at his chest and his desperate eyes met Bucky’s. 

Bucky scoffed. “Yeah. I thought so.” Bucky spun on his heel and stalked away. 

Steve scrambled after him. “What’s wrong? Where is she?!” 

Bucky froze, just in front of the door. “No.” 

“No? Buck! We have to go; we have to do something!” 

Bucky spun around and glared at him. He jabbed Steve in the chest. “You don’t get to act worried now. Not if you haven’t felt a LICK of the pain I’ve been feeling for the past few hours. I don’t know what the HELL you did to her but she’s the best damn thing that EVER happened to you. I’m going to find her and then you’re going to BEG for her forgiveness.” 

“You don’t know . . .” Steve tried, his shoulders already slumping in defeat as the harsh truth began to sink in. 

“I don’t have to know.” Bucky interrupted. He smacked his chest. “I feel it. You better PRAY she’s okay, Rogers.” 

Bucky spun back around and stalked out of the apartment, leaving Steve alone with his thoughts. 

A crushing sense of guilt filled him as he realized how selfish he’d been. You’d lost a child too and you’d done it alone to try and spare him this pain. 

How could he blame you for that? 

How could he have pushed you away? 

Steve walked back to the couch and sat down heavily, he buried his face in his hands and let himself sob for the loss of his child and for the pain he’d caused you. 

Bucky ground his teeth together as he moved through the hallways, tracing his connection to you back to the source. He slipped through the hallways silently and was surprised when the connection led him, not to Nat’s rooms like he’d expected, but a floor above that, to Clint’s apartment. 

He knocked on the door. “Doll?” He asked. 

He pushed the door open when there was no answer. 

“Doll? I’m sorry I left . . . I . . . I needed some space. But it’s not because of you . . . it’s never because of you. I just need to make sure my head was screwed on straight . . .” Bucky wandered through the apartment, checking every room as he searched for you. He could feel how close you were. “. . . I just . . . I never want to be the reason you’re in pai . . . DOLL?!” 

Bucky opened the bedroom door and saw you lying on the floor. Bucky raced to your side and turned you onto your back. His fingers went immediately to your neck as he desperately searched for a pulse. He let out a sigh of relief as he felt your heart beating steadily under his fingers. His forehead dipped to lean against yours before his eyes drifted down. 

Your fingertips were stained red with blood. Claw marks lined your chest where it looked like you had tried to claw your own damn heart out. 

Bucky choked on a sob as he gathered you in his arms and pulled at your dress so he could look at the superficial wounds. “Oh, doll . . . What did that punk do to you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to have the rest of this out by tonight so, don't kill me just yet!


	5. Medbay

“Captain Rogers?” 

“Yeah, JARVIS?” Steve asked, wiping his face on his sleeve as he steeled himself for whatever the AI needed. 

“You asked me to inform you when Sergent Barnes found Y/N.” 

“Are they still in the tower?” 

“Yes. They’re in medbay specifically.” 

Steve jumped to his feet as a thousand worse case scenarios shot through his mind. “No . . .” He mumbled. 

He rushed out of the room and raced to the medbay as fast as his feet could carry him. The only thought in his mind as he ran was the image of your cold dead body; all his fault. 

Bucky sat by the cradle and watched as the skin on your chest as slowly knit back together. His fists flexed as he resisted the urge to reach into the machine and hold one of your hands. He only managed to hold himself back because he was terrified of disturbing the machine while it worked. 

“Sweetheart?!” Bucky tensed as Steve’s frantic cries sounded behind him. 

Bucky shifted slightly in his chair, instinctively blocking you from view. 

“Captain Rogers.” A nurse intercepted Steve before he could cause a bigger scene. “Please lower your voice.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Steve dropped his tone to a more acceptable register. “Please. I just . . . is she here?” 

The nurse sighed and glanced at Bucky’s tense back. “She’s in the cradle right now. Maybe it would be best . . .” 

“No. I need to see her. Please.” 

The nurse sighed again. For a brief, hopeful second, Bucky thought she would turn Steve away. Then, Bucky heard Steve’s footsteps drawing closer. 

Bucky’s fists clenched as Steve came up beside him. “What . . . what happened?” Steve asked. 

Bucky glanced up sharply, ready to rip Steve a new one, but he hesitated as he took in Steve’s red-rimmed and swollen face. A burning exhaustion swept through Bucky and he glanced at his hands in his lap. “I found her in Clint’s room. She looked like she’d tried to claw her own damn heart out.” 

Steve was silent as he pulled up a chair on the other side of the cradle and focused his attention on your sleeping face. “The pain you were feeling earlier.” He murmured. 

Bucky shook his head slowly. “I . . . I don’t think so. Her pain . . .” He let out a long breath and leaned back in his chair. Steve I’ve never felt anything like it. Not even when I was Winter.” 

Steve flinched. He leaned forward and took one of your hands in his. Bucky watched carefully, making sure the machine was still working before he slowly reached out and finally took your other hand in his. He squeezed it and felt your fingers curl around his minutely and let out the breath he’d been holding since he’d first felt your pain hours ago. 

“What happened today . . .” Steve started. 

“It’s none of my business.” Bucky interrupted. 

Steve glanced over your form to glance at Bucky. 

Bucky shrugged his shoulders. “It’s none of my business, Stevie.” He repeated. “There are always going to be things we share with her that we don’t share with each other. But this?” He gestured at the claw marks that had almost been completely erased from your skin. “This can't ever happen again, do you understand?” 

Steve watched his friend for a long minute, gauging the truthfulness of Bucky’s statement. A part of him was screaming to tell Bucky the truth but he looked down at your sleeping face and knew that he never could. It had nearly destroyed him but it would absolutely ANNIHILATE Bucky. 

He reached out a finger and slowly traced your face. “I can’t lose her.” He said. 

“Then don’t.” Bucky murmured, watching Steve interact with you carefully. 

Steve sighed. “I’m sorry, Buck.” 

Bucky sighed. Echoes of pain he’d felt from your connection still flickered through his mind and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive Steve for that. But you needed Steve just as much as you needed Bucky. For you, Bucky could be the bigger man. 

He leaned over and slapped a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “It’s not me you need to apologize to.” 

The two turned to look at you as the cradle slowly finished its work. 

Steve sighed. 

He could only hope you’d forgive him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve's an idiot. But he's our idiot. And he didn't mean to be a jackass. He was grieving.   
> Luckily, he has Bucky to set him straight.
> 
> On that note; I have an idea for Bucky finding out . . . eventually. What do you say? In for a penny in for a pound? Willing to sit through another round of angst with me and our guys?
> 
> Lemme know!
> 
> One chapter to go.


	6. How We Move On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And this, Steve, is why we still love you.

Your eyes fluttered open and for a few blissful seconds, you didn’t remember anything. 

And then, like a freight train, it hit you all at once. 

A pain shot through your heart and you felt yourself flickering again. 

Weakly, you reached for the connection you shared with Bucky and tied yourself back in place. 

“Sweetheart?” 

You squeezed your eyes shut. 

“Please . . . sweetheart . . . can . . . can you look at me? Please. I need to see your eyes.” 

There was a pain in Steve’s voice that you hadn’t expected to find there. The last time he’d spoken to you, his tone had been cold as ice as he’d locked you out of the life you’d built together and left you freezing and alone on the wrong side of the door. 

Against your better judgement, your eyes flickered open and you turned your head to see Steve perched on a chair next to your bed. He smiled as your eyes made eye contact with his. “There you are.” He breathed. 

“Where’s Bucky?” You asked quietly. 

Steve’s smile, small as it was, faded from his face in the wake of the innocent question. “I asked him if he could give us some privacy.” 

Your form flickered furiously as dread shot through you. Steve lunged for you, grasping at your hand as though that action alone could keep you glued to this world. You fumbled for the connection to your other soldier in your heart and clung to it tightly as you form steadied. 

Steve glanced at you for a long minute until he was sure you weren’t going to disappear before he slowly sat back in his seat. He stared at his hands, unable to make eye contact. “I’m . . .” His voice broke. “I’m so sorry sweetheart. I NEVER meant to hurt you.” 

Tears prickled at the corner of your eyes as you turned your head to stare at the ceiling. You were just so damn TIRED of crying. 

“I have no excuses.” He continued. “I was just . . .” Steve sighed and glanced at you. “I’d never really given much thought to a wife or kids. Not after I got out of the ice. And then this morning . . . well, I guess it doesn’t matter. The point is that I finally started thinking about it.” Steve chuckled. “Can you imagine a kid of our own? Your eyes, Bucky’s face? Ma used to say that I was a little hellion. I bet any kind of ours would be a million times worse.” 

More tears streamed down your face at this beautiful future you’d never have. 

Steve glanced at your expression and his smile faded again. He reached out hesitantly and brushed his fingers against the back of your hand. You didn’t hesitate to weave your fingers through his as you clung to him for comfort. 

Steve’s thumb traced circles over the back of your hand. “I had this whole idea of a future . . . with you, doll. And you have to understand . . . just like that, it was all shattered.” 

A sob escaped you, and you reached your free hand up to hide your eyes. 

Steve, squeezed your hand and stared at you miserably as you let it all out. He wished more than anything that he could take this pain away from you, but he knew he couldn’t. There were some roads you just had to walk alone. 

Eventually, your cries eased and you turned to him. “You can still have that, Stevie.” You murmured, speaking for the first time since you’d woken up. “You SHOULD have that. You and . . . and Bucky would make great fathers. You . . .” You took a deep breath and finally said what you should have said a year ago. “You should go find someone else that you can actually build a life with. You and Buck. I’ll . . . I’ll be okay.” 

Steve sat in frozen shock as he processed what you were trying to tell him. 

“Like hell!” He yelled, jumping to his feet. You glanced at him wearily and rubbed a hand against your chest as it felt like you were being stabbed with pins and needles. 

Steve leaned forward and grabbed the pillow on either side of your face. “I’m never leaving you, doll. Never. You’re it for me. You’re it for Buck too.” His eyes were desperate as he speared you with his gaze. 

Abruptly, his head bowed, and his forehead tapped against yours as he let out a shuddering breath. “You’re what’s been waiting for us at the end of the line. Kids or no. My idiot mistakes or no. Please don’t leave us. Please.” 

You floundered underneath the weight of his words. “You’re . . . you’re not mad at me?” 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Steve murmured, drawing away so he could cup your face in his hands. “I could never be mad at you. I acted like an idiot before. I . . .” He sighed. “I wish you would have told me. I’ll always want to be there for you, doll. But I understand why you didn’t.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips lightly against yours. “Thank you for trying to save me, but I think it’s my turn to try to save you.” 

A wet chuckle escaped your lips and you reached up and grabbed Steve’s wrist, keeping his hand pressed against his face. “I’ve missed you so much.” 

Steve shuffled so he could climb into bed beside you. He pulled you tight against his side and pressed a bruising kiss to the top of your head. “I’m right here, sweetheart, and I’m not going anywhere.” 

You smiled as your eyes drifted close. You took a deep breath and reached for the fractured connection you shared with Steve and smiled softly as it slowly healed. It would take some time, but he was still your anchor and you needed him. 

You glanced up at him, one last thing on your chest. “Bucky can’t ever know, Stevie. Not ever.” 

Steve’s jaw ticked and his hand reached down to brush against your stomach where, under your shirt, a faint pink line still marked the worst day in any of your lives. “I know.” He murmured. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, reaching up to smooth the lines between his eyebrows. 

Steve smiled at you softly. “What for, sweetheart?” 

“I never wanted this to be a burden you had to bear.” 

Steve sighed and scooted down the bed until he spoon you. “Well now we’ll bear it together.” 

“It would destroy him.” You whispered. 

Steve nodded against your head because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were right. Bucky could never know. But that was okay. Steve wasn’t alone with this secret. He had you. 

Steve squeezed your waist tightly and pressed another kiss to your head. “I love you, doll.” 

“I love the hell out of you, soldier.” 

Steve smiled and let relief flood his wounded soul. 

You had each other. It would be enough. 

Bucky wandered into your bedroom hours later and smiled as he saw Steve and you wrapped tightly together. He kicked his shoes off and climbed into bed on your other side. He traced a finger over your features, relieved to see you looking so peaceful. “Looks like the punk apologized.” He murmured, reaching for your hand and placing it against his chest where the pain he’d felt earlier had all but disappeared. “I love you, doll.” He murmured. 

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss against your lips before he settled in for the night. 

All was right in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! 
> 
> Steve knows!
> 
> And by unanimous decision, Bucky needs to find out too. 
> 
> I think we'll wait awhile first though. Let everyone recover. XD
> 
> In the meantime; if you're a fan of Tony/Reader OR a big fan of fluff; Check out "Angel in Blue" I really want to know what people think about that one. It's cavity inducing fluff over there right now. XD Of course, it won't stay that way, so if you're also a fan of my angst; that's the one for you. ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone!
> 
> See you next time!

**Author's Note:**

> Are you ready?


End file.
